My son is a full-grown, responsible, kind, and capable adult. However, he recently reminded me that effective communication is a skill that requires continuous cultivation.
We were on a family road trip when he suddenly threw the car in park and sprinted into the woods. He did not think to say, “Hey, guys, I’m feeling carsick.” Instead, he was a blur of panic disappearing into the trees while the rest of us screamed his name like we were filming a dramatic rescue scene.
Later, when I stopped laughing and my heart rate returned to normal, I thought, “This is exactly why we must prioritize teaching children to communicate effectively. To limit confusion and frustration.”
Children are not born knowing how to pause, check in, or ask questions. Infants learn this through simple connection cues like checking your face before exploring. Toddlers begin practicing early communication scripts, such as “Mama, look!” or “Can I?”, before they climb or grab. Preschoolers can learn permission routines that help them pause and check in before acting, especially during play or transitions. School-age children refine these skills into self-regulation habits that include asking questions, seeking clarification, and communicating needs before acting.
At every stage, the goal is the same: children learn to pause, communicate, and connect before they act. This does not develop naturally; it is a skill that must be taught to them through consistent practice.
Teaching children to communicate before acting does not have to be rigid or serious. In fact, the more playful it is, the better it sticks. Here are some simple ways to teach permission seeking.
Ask Before You Build– When using blocks or Legos, have the child ask permission before adding a piece to a shared structure. This is perfect for preschoolers learning cooperative play.
Ask to Join– During playtime, model asking, “Can I play with you?” before joining a game, sharing an idea, or taking a toy.
Family Permission Phrase– Give older kids a predictable, non-cringey way to pause and check in before acting. This will teach them the adult skill of communicating first, instead of assuming permission. Having a little phrase also helps spouses who are struggling to communicate well.
When your children do ask, celebrate as if they just won the Nobel Prize for Communication, because what we give attention to grows. These tiny habits become the lifelong tools that prevent confusion over simple things like sprinting into the woods on a family road trip.
What I really want parents to understand is that expecting your children to ask permission is not about control. It is about helping your child build the skills required for healthy relationships. When children first learn to say “Can I…?”, they have the vital building blocks for strong friendships, healthy family dynamics, appropriate school behavior, and future workplace success. Helping your children master permission seeking is a tiny act with enormous relational dividends!
Your goal is to help them become thoughtful, connected humans who do not accidentally terrify their family on a road trip.
Dr. Beth Long received her education in Counseling Psychology from Chapman University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Beth has worked in six unique clinical environments across the country and currently owns Works of Wonder Therapy in Montgomery. Beth utilizes the knowledge from a variety of different disciplines to give her patients the best care possible. To learn more visit www.worksofwondertherapy.com.
